my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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