Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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