Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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