remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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