I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
