I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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