You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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