Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
