Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
