The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
