No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
