mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
