Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
