How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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