the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
