Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
lol hangovers are for mortals.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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