I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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