My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
