Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
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