I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm having to shit out rocks
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
