Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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