So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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