yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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