The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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