oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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