Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
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what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
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Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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