i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
