I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
