Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
