All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
