we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
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From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
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For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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