Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
