if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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