If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
