Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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