is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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