Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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