i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
