The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
This toilet bowl is my home.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
