So drunk its hurt
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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