The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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