The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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