I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
