remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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