What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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