Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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