I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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