Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
