I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
