i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
