i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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