I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
