member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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