I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Soap is not a condiment
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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