eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
