Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
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Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive