he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
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She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
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They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted